The word “Intentional” started coming to mind over the last 8 months. I remember feeling like I needed to start doing things again, stepping way far outside of my comfort zone. I needed to intentionally start…anything and everything.
The reality of my life is that I feel like I have no friends. (Outside of a select few) In January, I stopped posting on my Facebook. No one noticed. They still haven’t. What started out as a “social experiment”, plummeted me into a dark hole. By March I decided that I would begin actively trying to make friends and actually do things – outside of social media. I signed myself up for a women’s Bible study at a church I’d never gone to. I enrolled my three youngest into a homeschool co-op we’d never been to. Honestly, it was nice to go where no one knew me/us. No one knew my struggles, my history. I was the blank slate. I only shared with new people what I wanted them to know. I could protect myself. I could protect them. But I was being intentional.
Second to last week of our Spring session at the co-op (May 2021), Nick choked on a bunny Graham cracker. I froze. I screamed for help. Another mom flipped him over and performed the Heimlich maneuver. I saw him turn blue. The flashback to Joshua’s death came over me. I was such a mess – I couldn’t drive us home for an hour. Mary Beth came to comfort me. She was the first person to learn about Josh. 10 weeks I kept that information inside, but it came out like a dam had just burst.
And I continue to be intentional. Walking out of my comfort zone, because God has given me this life and this story. Not to be kept hidden, but to help others with. When Josh died, I told my husband “God’s going to use this, we just don’t know how yet.” It’s been almost 9 years, and it’s just now starting to be used. We’re in the season between when he was born 8/8, and when he died 10/6. It’s the hardest time of our year. I’m going to continue to be intentional with my life because the last 9 years have been spent in isolation, mourning, self-doubt, and every other synonymy for despair. It ends now.
Outnumbered Six to One 