When Zach was born, I had this feeling that I even struggle to describe today. It was this immense desire to never miss a moment with him. I wanted to see everything he did and never miss a moment of his life. I will never get to experience anything with Joshua. As the years have gone forward, this feeling has become less and less. I don’t want to miss the bigger moments, but find the small ones to be no big deal. Maybe this is a way to gauge a moment of healing from Josh’s death. There isn’t quite as deep of an obsession anymore.
But there is one thing that keeps nagging at me. This battle over being a stay at home mom vs. a working mom outside of the home. See, I want to be both. However, the Devil is really good at making me feel like a failure to the former. I am not getting filled up when I’m home, doing the day to day tasks of life with my kids. I get joy when I’m away from the home, working in the office. When I’m home, I can’t get down on the floor and play with my kids. I can’t do art projects or baking with them. Frankly, I can barely muster 2 minutes to pretend I’m interested in their newest creation on Minecraft.
I feel like an absolute failure because the majority of their waking hours is spent on the Xbox and Switch. I’m at the point where I feel like they’d be better raised in private school, just so their not on electronics all day. But I also strongly believe in homeschooling and we are incredibly blessed to be able to do so. I’m taking this season for granted. Their only small for a little while. I know this well, my oldest is about to be 18 and I’m floored over it! Where did the time go? I wish he was little again. In a few short years, Zach will be a teenager and I’m sitting here battling an internal struggle, when I should be engaging and playing more with them while their this little. And I feel so guilty for not being present with them. And I know they’re gonna feel it too, as they get older. “Mom never played with us.” “Mom was always too busy.” I can see it now. Maybe they already do.
I’m not creating the home life I want for my kids because I’m pouring from an empty cup. I am not the wife and mother I want my boys to have when they grow up. This is not how I envisioned my life to be. This is not what I want for my kids. I need help, but no one helps. I’m isolated and all alone, yet people tell me their here for me. No one calls me. No one comes to hang out. It’s been like this for 7 years. I gotta figure out how to fill up my cup. I gotta force myself harder. I just hope that one day soon, I’ll be in a better place with my kids, and have more good days than bad ones.
Outnumbered Six to One 