He said that. He actually said that! My 8 year old actually said those words to me last night. “Everyday feels the same.” He was asking a few questions and trying to figure out when the end of the year was, when Halloween was. I was punched in the gut by those 4 words. I know he doesn’t really have a deep concept of time and dates. But it stung deep in my heart.
There is something else he keeps saying to me, which happened again tonight, “Mom, I want to go to real school.” And again, another punch in the gut. Tonight was worse. It hurts me so badly when he says that. It’s at least said a few times a month by him, maybe more. I have no response. I just freeze, then try to change the subject. I suck at this kind of thing. It makes me question if we’re doing the right thing. It makes me feel like I’m not doing enough for them. And if I’m honest, I know I’m not. I know I’m starting to try, but he doesn’t realize the magnitude of my depression. I hide it well, but I guess it’s coming out in unsolicited ways.
I’m holding out hope that my husbands new job will be a pay increase where we could put them in private school or a homeschool pod. This internal battle is so intense. I feel like I’m failing them. After 9 years, I’m starting to question how much of Joshua’s death I’ve properly grieved over. I think the busyness of motherhood may have really stopped me from working on my loss. Loosing Lyam in July, surely didn’t help my situation. Tomorrow has to be better, right? One day at a time, so they say.
Outnumbered Six to One 