A few days ago, I got this wild idea! Maybe I should apply to local private schools so my kids can attend – deeply discounted, or for free. I’d even volunteer full time at their school, just so they could attend. I’m not sure we’d ever be able to afford sending all 3 boys to private school as they grow up. I grew up at a private school, and it is at the top of my list. So I browsed their website this morning. Nick (2) couldn’t go til next February, only if he was to be fully potty trained at 2.5yrs old. Fat chance. Matthew (4) isn’t fully potty trained due to his Cerebral Palsy. So he couldn’t go either. This idea would never work unless I was able to have all three with me. I felt the door close just as quickly as I opened it in my mind. I was encouraged to still send an email and inquire, by a former student that went there though.
But then I had another thought. I smoke, and would have a hard time going the whole school day without one. I’d never smoke on campus or around people there. So once again, my addiction hinders me. It does that a lot. The embarrassment, guilt, and shame feels unbearable. An outcast in society. I just want to buy an old Victorian in North Carolina with property, and hide.
So I sat down and text my longest standing friend, from Kindergarten at this private school 30 years ago. “I’m going nuts” was all I could send as the tears began to poor down my face. She responded, “Why?” And I said, “Because this internal battle w/mom guilt is absolutely tearing me apart, mentally.” I really feel that way, too. Being a smoker stops me from doing a lot. My husband managed to quit over 3 years ago, but I didn’t. It controls every aspect of my life and I strongly believe that it’s a spiritual battle to overcome, in order to quit. That’s probably for a whole other blog though.
So I’m just sitting here. Doing nothing on this Saturday morning, again. Deep in my thoughts that are tearing me apart inside and making me well up with tears, whenever I begin to examine them. I’m a hot mess. I’m miserable. I have absolutely no idea what to do.
I don’t want my kids going to public school here, it’s horrible in the Portland, OR area. I don’t see us ever being able to afford private school for them. I feel like I’m completely inadequate to homeschool them, just ruining them the longer this goes on. We can’t move for 3 more years, cause I share visitation with Jon’s dad. I feel stuck. I feel like I’m in a prison. Literally. Cant go anywhere without a mask. Nothing feels like it use to, pre-Covid. Matt and Nick have never even been to the zoo!! I’m told other states are back to normal life, and I’m sitting here just wanting to flee this state. I actually have pondered the idea of leaving Jon with his dad and wonder if I would be okay with only summer visits, or budget to fly him back and forth monthly. That’s pretty damn desperate, but when your freedoms are restricted and threatened, desperation knows no bounds. God help me!
Outnumbered Six to One 