My best friend growing up, was severely abusive to me mentally. She constantly told me all the ways in which I sucked at whatever it was I was doing. I sucked at softball, picked out ugly clothes, I did my make up wrong, I’m dating a douche bag, etc. The nickname given to me around 11-12yrs old, by her mother was “Peed”, which continues to be used to this day if there is any contact. She even signed Christmas card’s like that. Last one came about 7 years ago cause she doesn’t know our new address. So you may be wondering, ‘Why “Peed”? Cause it rhymes in this little saying I heard her and her mom use – “Janelle-Maria Peed- the bed”. In other words, it was because I wet the bed til about 14 due to a chemical imbalance. It went away when my period started like the doctors said it would. She would also call me “Pancake” cause I was “flat on both sides”. Looking back, I still can’t believe a grown woman in her late 40’s – her mother – had no qualms about picking on a little girl and giving me a nickname like that. Yikes! Guess the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. This “friendship” went on for almost twenty years, a solid 17 years, for sure. It was a one sided relationship. My ability to trust myself had been slowly eroded during my teen years. I always questioned myself. I had zero confidence. As I shared in counseling yesterday, and put some more pieces together this morning, when Josh died my entire identity imploded. As if I couldn’t trust myself before he died, my mothering intuition was blown to pieces the day he died. The latter part is to be expected, to begin questioning everything, but I don’t have a good foundation to build myself back up from. She was so abusive. I had no idea. In a way I feel like a DV survivor but without the physical trauma. Although she did leave me topless in an Applebee’s bathroom on a double date, when we were 16. I guess I have way more to work on than just learning to live with the grief of loosing Joshua. A blank slate at almost 40, is NOT where I thought I’d be! How does someone come back from that? I don’t know who I am, who I want to be, or where I’m going! This is gonna be tough!
Outnumbered Six to One 