I spend time wondering if my ability to irrationally panic inside my brain, would be considered a “flashback” or if it’s just being irrational. Is it considered “expected”, given what I’ve been through? Will it ever get better? Cause it’d definitely gotten worse over the years.
Here me out….
I have this unique super power to create the most realistic scene of disaster images in my mind. My brain instantly goes to the most horrific situation possible, in the moment. If something doesn’t go as expected, it can leave me thinking of the worst possible scenarios.
For example, my dad recently lost his job and he’s rightfully depressed about it. A few days ago, I text my mom that I may stop by and asked if they were going to be home. This text went unanswered for almost 24 hours! Initially I didn’t think much of it. I stayed busy that day and wound up not being able to go. But the next morning, I had an uneasy feeling about my mom not responding to my text inquiry. So then begins the irrational side of me. Was she dead? Did my dad kill her and commit suicide? Did they die in a house fire? I mean tons of possible scenarios can go through my mind in under a minute. In these moments, I have to tell myself that these thoughts aren’t real and that my parents are safe – over and over and over again. It takes quite a few deep breaths to snap out of the panic. I have to funnel it through my bullshit meter. It took every ounce in me not to call her at 6am, or the cops for a wellness check. My mom text me a few hours after this episode, and apologized for not seeing my text and responding the day prior.
I have a keen ability to imagine finding one of my living kids, deceased. It’s most common if they decide that it would be a good idea to sleep in. Normal mothers would leap for joy over this. It causes me to panic. It has been happening the most with Matt. He has this habit of covering his face with his pillow when he’s going to sleep. Sends me into a quick panic if I forget to check on him when I put Zach to bed. Sometimes I give into the panic and check on him, sometimes I don’t. You could set a clock by Matthew so if he sleeps in, even by 15-20 minutes, it can cause me to think irrationally. Did he cover his head in the night and stop breathing? I can picture what that scene would look like – if I walked into his room and found him dead. Taking it further, I can imagine myself calling 911, doing CPR, the whole scenario played out in my mind. I can see the hospital room. I can see the doctors working on his lifeless body. I can feel the deep sadness and mourning, like I did the day Josh died.
None of my kids born after Josh, used a blanket or pillow until well after 3 years old. Thick footie pajamas and a fleece crib sheet is all we used. It may be an irrational choice, but it’s the only one I was comfortable with.
Sometimes I think about a horrific scenario happening to me. I can imagine a car crash scene where I’m ran off the road into a river below. I question if I’d be able to unbuckle, roll down a window, and escape in time. The worst moments of panic, is being stuck in slow moving traffic directly on top of a bridge, a semi truck passes that shakes the damn thing, and I feel like the bridge will collapse. This entire car accident/drowning fear, makes no sense to me. I didn’t experience a traumatic event in a car. While I’ve been in 5 car accidents, I still get in my car and drive every day.
So what’s the point in writing all this out? A glimpse into the life of a trauma survivor with PTSD, I guess. Being real about the long lasting effects. I feel as though I have been robbed of my innocence. I feel like I will never be a normal person again. The cracks in my heart, mind, and soul will always be there. They’re only being held together with glue. The white stuff. Not super glue – Elmers.
Outnumbered Six to One 