Hubby and I have been deep in conversation surrounding my re-diagnosis of PTSD from a few weeks ago. In true fashion of self, I have been doing a deep dive into learning about it, coping with it, and learning how to heal from it. If I am anything, I am a fighter. I may feel like I’m going bat shit crazy, but I won’t go down without a fight!
In a previous blog, I wrote about this often random and uncontrollable urge to flee my state and move to Texas. I’ve been dealing with this for about a year if not a little more. Last night I coined them “Mental Swings” instead of Mood Swings. We’re talking a huge desires to move, without any trigger that I can identify. Almost like an unsolicited flashback of finding my son. My husband expressed his inability to know if my outbursts are “genuine” or “if they’ll pass”. It appeared to me that this spike in a Mental Swing, causes him whiplash.
In my research, others suffer swings but in other ways. Drug and alcohol abuses with a major binging episode, extramarital affairs with multiple partners without STD concerns. These are self-harm behaviors. I have this on my checklist of symptoms but it’s due to me smoking cigarettes and having a hard time giving a crap about it’s consequences. However, I can correlate these Mental Swings about moving, to self-harm behavior because more than once I actually start thinking about just uprooting myself and taking off, solo. It stems from my husband not being sold the idea of Texas cause he thinks it’s too hot. So if he doesn’t come onboard, I’ll think about just going by myself. I do sometimes feel that my kids would be raised better if I wasn’t involved. I worry greatly about how my mental health will effect them. Again, completely irrational thoughts of leaving my family and go into hiding. Validly self-harming in nature.
I just don’t know how to grow past this baggage, and make any positive changes for my family. The weight on my shoulder is just too burdensome to bare. I am desperate. I often consider an in-patient treatment facility – for PTSD and even for simply quitting smoking. I am contemplating psilocybin treatment because it has been studied in PTSD patients with promising results. It was recommended by my naturopathic physician, who also happens to also be a board certified psychologist. All I know is I won’t give up fighting.
Outnumbered Six to One 