“Healing doesn’t happen in the darkness.” That’s what I told my pastor today in a lengthy email after church. I wrote out many ways in which PTSD stops me from living. I felt the need to share it with him. Keeping it to myself doesn’t help.
We’re a few days into 2022, and I’m already frozen. I’m battling this desire to help others but “you can’t help others til you help yourself” keeps getting louder, on repeat. Well guess what? I have no one helping me! No one calls. No one texts. I haven’t posted to FB in a year and no one noticed!!! No one comes over. We don’t go anywhere!! Not even outside in our own yard! Yeah, how am I suppose to help anyone when I’m paralyzed by life! We’re not living!
I guess today I’m pissed. Tears keep welling up in my eyes and I refuse for them to break free. I don’t know what’s causing the uproar of emotions today. I’m so disconnected from myself, I refuse to explore whatever it is.
And the best joke is this deep desire to help people. I have huge visions to start a podcast, publish a book, travel the country talking about all this BS I’ve had to overcome. But I feel so incredibly broken, I’m too paralyzed to take a step forward. No one wants to hear from a current pile of rubble.
2021 was my year of being intentional. I did quite a few things that highlighted that. Maybe 2022 needs to be the year of overcoming. God knows I have a lot of that to do!!!
Outnumbered Six to One 