Recently I have been really pushing into my grief. When a negative shame script starts creeping into my mind, I’m able to pause the thought and funnel it through the lens of grieving.
“What am I grieving over?”
When I get angry at myself for not being able to take the kids outside when they ask, I am reminded that this is a part of grief. I am grieving over the loss of my former self, in all aspects. I am grieving over the innocence I’ve lost. I am grieving that I wish things were different; that I was better.
And guess what? I’m okay with this. It sure beats the hell out of the Mom Guilt that goes roaring through my brain. Many times it leaves me breathless and feeling so heavy! I really feel like Satan has chewed me up and spit me out. The guilt inside is so intense, I can actually feel my heart hurt. I swear, broken hearts are real! But slowly, and with time, I am flipping the Mom Guilt into the reality that I’m grieving over the loss of who I was before Josh died, and that’s ok.
But now I’m wondering if I’m grieving the loss of him. Maybe that will come? Years ago, I wrote “A Thankful Loss” (it’s in a prior blog here) where I wrote about how thankful I am to have experienced this. Initially we felt stronger, at peace. We were forever changed for the better, not worse. We felt God was going to use his death for good. I still hold those belief today. But I think I sunk back into a deeper hole in the last two years, so I guess I’m climbing back out. Can you grieve over the loss of your former self, and be thankful for experiencing such a tragedy? Hypocritical? IDK, maybe. But it’s my truth.
Outnumbered Six to One 