I started listening to a new podcast series. A mama who also found her son dead like me. And it was over 13 years ago, so she has time and distance on her side as well. I’m really getting into the episodes. It’s helping with the messiness of grief, and trust me, there is a lot! But something stung deep from the 8 episodes I’ve binged. She shares stories of friends who just showed up in person with nothing to say but wanted to be there for her. And that’s what hurt!
Tonight I asked my husband to explore his memory bank on that first year after Josh died. I wanted to make sure my memory was correct of those first few weeks, months, and year. I asked him “Besides our family, who was there for us after the first month or two?” He pondered on this question….for quite a while. He shared that he told his co-workers to treat him like normal and to not walk on egg shells around him. He said he remembers going to play Disc Golf with James and he’d call to check on him a few times. He finally admitted he can’t recall anyone coming over. I said “Ok, so the answer is no one. Cause that’s how I feel and I just needed to know if my poor memory was blocking me from remembering friends that came over.” He agreed he can’t think of anyone.
And in true David fashion, he stuck his size 16 shoe right in his damn mouth! “What were you doing during that first year to maintain the friendships with them? It’s a two way street” Excuse me!?!? I actually told him he was victim blaming. That’s the only thing that felt right in the moment. I told him I felt like he was saying it was partly my fault! He apologized. I said that it’s not my job to be absolutely destroyed and expect to say anything or know what I needed. Just a friend coming over to sit with me and not say a thing, would have been better than being left alone! Who does that?
It’s not a secret that the friendships we had at that time were dysfunctional, unhealthy, and beyond their expiration dates. The even decent ones were surface level. Not very deep. And yes, people move on with their life and “don’t know what to say.” You know what? Say nothing. Just be present, physically. That’s all.
Icing on the cake was that his ex-wife was absolutely horrific to us after Josh died. She even told me she was glad my son died so her daughter could be David’s #1 again. Ruthless!!!
But! And it’s a big but! I’m going to list out what I remember and who I want to say thank you to. Pastor Eric for coming to the ER that morning and doing a dedication service right there in the room. And everyone else who came during those 8 hours to say their good-byes to our son. Sheryl and James for being there the next day, when we broke the news to our boys that their brother was dead. Erin and Derek for planning the funeral and refreshments, leaving me with very little to do! Amy for the music and photo slideshow help. Whoever that lady was that agreed to interpret our son’s memorial service in ASL for my deaf friends in attendance. I would have never been able to do that. The point person from our church that created the meal train, tracked down and delivered us a new mattress to sleep on when I was ready, and for getting our tire fixed. Dave and Amber for letting me hold your baby girl a few days later, and sobbing uncontrollably on her onesie. Whoever that therapist was from Catholic Charities who came to my home for appointments cause I couldn’t drive. I’m sure I’m forgetting some of the smaller things. These are the big ones that stand out 10 years later.
And I know there are only a few people I still talk to all these years later – so Stephanie, Lena, and Elva…thank you for still being with me on this stupid crazy ride!
If you know someone that’s lost a baby or had a miscarriage – SHOW UP! Even if you don’t know what to say. Your presence says more and will make a bigger impact on their journey 10 years later. There is nothing you can say to take their pain away, so just be there.
Outnumbered Six to One 