Covid hit our house, so the last few weeks have been….interesting. I’d say we’re about 98% recovered. The mental piece is something people don’t talk about. It’s the remaining 2% around here.
In full transparency, I thought I was going to die a few weeks ago. Never in my life had I experienced high BP, chest pains, and a rapid heart rate. I went to the ER, only to be told they were normal symptoms and go home to rest. Easier said than done when you experience the level of fear and anxiety I have to live with every day.
Before Covid hit our house, I’d began the brainstorming process of starting a non-profit. For many weeks before that, I’d hunted high and low for organizations and book material I wanted. I kept coming up empty handed. I couldn’t find what I wished I’d had. So in true fashion for who I am, now I’ve got huge dreams and desires for a non-profit (NP). Like really, really big! Bigger than Trump’s ego! And guess what? I’m riddled in fear. I often have big goals that never happen. I never create/make/finish anything I ever think about doing. I wrote out my NP ideas and shared them with a few close friends. Crickets until I pressed for input which wasn’t even helpful suggestions, and unhelpful book suggestions. Really? I even told my husband I was thinking about starting an NP – and he didn’t even ask what kind or what it’d do. Just an Ok, and a nod, and the moment passed. It was just brushed off. So now I have this big dream, and what feels like exactly zero people who give a damn. I get it, I’ve isolated myself for many years over. And my first attempt of re-entering normal society, was filled with incredibly painful rejection. What was I truly expecting since I’ve never been there for anyone, no one is gonna be there for me. Maybe that’s why strangers are less painful to interact with. But they can’t stay a stranger forever.
I guess I must keep looking for my tribe of strangers, who shares the same vision for my NP. That’s the only way it’ll come into fruition.
Outnumbered Six to One 