We’re a week into my husband having a new job. He’s been unemployed for 5.5 months. Intentionally for the first 4 months as he studied for tax school. He decided he didn’t want a desk job in the end, so after a month of DoorDash, he got a delivery driver job for a large aerospace manufacturing company. He’s very happy and excited to have this job. I’m exited for him too.
Last week I decided to have a two week Spring Break because I needed time to get accustomed to this shift. Homeschooling life gives us the flexibility to do exactly that. It was much needed. The spring cleaning bug also entered our home so I spent much needed time Re-organizing our pantry space. Why? Cause in order to do this Suzy Homemaker Shyt, I need better organization.
I cooked 3 nights in a row last week. From scratch. From Pinterest. I’m pretty sure that hasn’t happened, ever. My husband was full of praise all week for me doing a “marvelous job“ and “stepping up to the plate”. He doesn’t understand. It’s deeper than that, so much deeper.
I grocery shopped and menu planned Sunday, for this week. That’s when the wind got knocked out of my sail. At the store I proceeded to argue with myself over the list I’d created. The amount of unhealthy ingredients in the food I planned to buy, left me having an internal battle like no other. The heaviness of being responsible for what I feed my family and what I cook, came roaring back!
Then my husbands DOT exam Monday morning about tore me apart! Doctor is requiring him to have a Sleep Apnea test because he’s severely overweight and snores like a freight train. My heart was crushed. I don’t get to have ignorance, it left the day Josh died. The very idea that my husband could die in his sleep just became the newest consuming thought to crush me. One of many these days.
So now I sit here. With three kids that all have different dietary needs, and I can’t function in order to address them good enough. A husband facing an unknown medical condition that could kill him. Knowing what I’ve been doing was only making everything worse – from not cooking for the last 10+ years to knowing what dietary changes we needed to implement but never doing it. This is all so overwhelming and constantly thought consuming. I’ve failed and I don’t know how to get out of this massive hole I dug around myself.
Outnumbered Six to One 