If my cousin Octavia was alive, I’m pretty sure she’d have been my biggest cheerleader over the last 6 months. Her life was cut short by cancer in September of 2020, and I miss her dearly. She was an amazing psychologist with a ginormous heart, and we always had the most profound intellectual conversations. This blog entry is for you, Tavy.
I never thought in a million years that I would become a supporter of a illicit and illegal substance. But then again, if I’m known for anything around here, it’s going against the grain. I was skeptical of course, but if you were in my shoes, you’d understand why I can say “I’ll try anything at this point. I’m desperate.” My hope is to convey why.
Anxiety, depression, and panic attacks are no joke. They have consumed my life for over 10 years in various levels of severity. My life as I knew it, died the day my son died in 2012. You don’t just “get over” the grief and trauma of finding your son dead, you learn to live with it. I wasn’t learning to live with it, it was consuming me on a daily basis. Being diagnosed with PTSD, I felt further isolated. There is a variety of support options for veterans with PTSD, but my searching came up empty for infant loss moms with PTSD.
As if finding my son dead wasn’t bad enough, when my bonus daughter had a stillborn son last July 2021, I had enough. I never wanted to hold another dead baby in my life, and there I was with two tallies now. That was too much for me! I knew I needed counseling again, but this time I wanted it to be different. I wanted a Christian therapist because my spirituality is vitally important to me and I always felt awkward talking to prior therapists about my faith. Took some hunting and asking around at church, but I found one that worked for a secular agency that took my state insurance but was a believer. The following 6 months actually felt like I was finally making progress.
Not many people know this, and it is relevant, but I am what I call a “Closet Crunchy”. I try and use natural methods of healing, medicine, etc. whenever I can. So it’s no surprise that I choose to see a Naturopathic Doctor for my healthcare needs. I scored big time because he was a psychologist prior to getting his ND. It was through him that I learned about the clinical research that was being done with Psyilosybin on PTSD patients. The research was showing positive results for 6-12 month after a clinical session.
At this point in my journey, I really had nothing to loose and it was going to be another year before this treatment was going to be available in a clinical session. I’d already done 10 years, hard time. I didn’t want to wait any longer so I took matters into my own hands. Turns out I know some people who believe in this alternative lifestyle and using mushrooms medicinally. It didn’t take me but a few days to get started. (Full disclosure, I took two pills of Lions Mane with my Psilosybin dose every morning)
In the first few weeks, I wasn’t entirely sure if it was doing anything of real significance. I could notice a more clear mind, more focused almost. I also had a slight bump in energy. I was overall feeling “decent” everyday, but it was barely noticeable. Side note: my counseling session talks were taking a different path each time; I literally forgot to tell her I’d even started micro-dosing until I was 3 weeks into it.
Since my panic and anxiety was more situational triggers, I was going to have to see how I responded to a situation that would otherwise trigger an attack. It was during the third week, that I decided to take my kids to Costco by myself. As you could imagine, this would have been a disaster but I was able to get in and out without a single panic or anxiety attack. If that wasn’t cool enough, I actually found the experience enjoyable! Over the following days I was taking my kids outside by myself to play in the yard. I decided to start a little garden so we played in soil for hours. If you asked anyone, they’d tell you that was not me doing those things – it would have been impossible.
I wasn’t thinking too much about how I was changing, I didn’t really notice until about 4-5 days after my Costco trip. We were outside and my two year old had walked off from our side yard, and I didn’t know where he was for a few moments. My brain played the standard “worse case scenarios” until he was located safely playing with his bike in the front yard. As I reflected on this situation later that evening, I had realized that the Psilosybin appeared to be working. My panic and physical response, only lasted about 10 minutes. I was able to move on with my day without the intrusive thoughts of the “worse case scenarios” on repeat in my mind. My body was not greatly fatigued for the remainder of the day. This was the day I realized, “It worked!”
It has been about 4 weeks since the initial Costco trip and the situational trigger. I have been able to do so much more over the last 4 weeks. I feel like I have my life back! My therapist is beyond ecstatic for me! So many positive changes have became a result of micro-dosing Psilosybin for 30 days straight. Some of the highlights are: I quit smoking after a 25 year addiction. That was definitely an unintended “side effect” of micro-dosing. I am taking my kids out to the store, outings, new activities – very often! I wake up everyday wanting to go do something with them! I have never been more excited to actually go do something! I cannot describe the overwhelming joy I get when we’re enjoying an activity.
I JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I HAVE MY LIFE BACK!
Outnumbered Six to One 