I was 5 days off!

Wow. I feel like a sh!tty Loss Mom. Wow.

This year embarks on the 10th anniversary of Joshua’s life and death. I saw a post in my local infant loss group highlighting the life and death anniversary of another infant, who’s mom I was once friends with. Then it hit me! I was off by 5 days!

In August 2013, just one short year after Joshua died, I gave birth to our rainbow baby, Zachary. I went weekly to our local hospital’s breastfeeding group after he was born. Cathartic I suppose, as it was the same hospital he was born and died. At this group, I met a special soul, Monica. Meeting her felt like fate. Such a strong connection as I learned more about her, at least singularly I suppose. I just don’t see how it could have been an accident.

Monica’s son Jacob, was born 6 days before Josh (8/2/12) at this same local hospital, and died 10 days later (8/12/12). In the very early hours of August 7th, 2012, I called L&D to get the green light for my induction as requested. I was told no because they were too short staffed, and was asked to call back the next day. On August 8th I called and was given the green light for my induction. Joshua was born. I didn’t find out for another year that the reason I was denied my induction on 8/7 is because she found her son unresponsive the night before, August 6th, and the staff was still dealing with that when I called.

It was touching and meaningful to meet Monica the following year with her rainbow baby as well. Before class each week, we met at the mall next door to the hospital and would walk around together. Her husband was the grocery manager of my local Safeway 1/2 mile away. I saw him regularly as well.

In 2014 and 2015, on August 6th, I would take her husband a small gift like a card and stuffy or garden decor, and asked him to pass them onto her. I wanted her to know I was thinking about them that day. I thought I was acknowledging the day in which he passed away. I thought the day meant something to them. To them, it was insignificant and probably felt like I didn’t care enough about their loss. I’d gotten the dates wrong. I’m not sure I ever asked her “When did Jacob die?”. He was on life support til Aug 12th so to them, that’s the day he passed.

I haven’t spoke to her since 2014. She unfriended me on FB, her husband transferred stores, and I no longer had a good number for her. Poof. She was gone. It was like loosing a piece connected to Joshua. But now I’m sitting here, and just realized how my attempt at honoring her son on the wrong day, must have come across to her. I hope she’s forgiven me. I’m begging for it now, if not. How insincere of me! The one Loss Mom friendship that I have lost on this journey had meant so much to me. I was 5 days off, and I’m so sorry Monica!